Why Draco Malfoy should never wear guyliner
by snitchseeker255
Summary: Hermione Granger is obsessed with Adam Lambert. This tends to make Draco unhappy. But what happens when he asks Blaise Zabini for advice? Chaos ensues. Oneshot. Rated T for language.


**Disclaimer: I unfortunately do not own Harry Potter or Adam's songs... sigh... puppy dog face. Lyrics are from Adam Lambert's Master Plan**

Hermione was obsessed with Adam Lambert. She had always put down American Idol as a shallow show for shallow people but one night when she turned on the TV she had heard him singing. She was hooked.

Draco could never understand his wife's fascination with this muggle who wore eyeliner and studded metallic suits. "'Mione, he looks like a mix between Elvis, David Bowie, and a rocket ship." he had said when he saw her watching American Idol. Hermione had raised up her brow in indignation. "Wow, Draco, I'm surprised you even know who Elvis and David Bowie are." She fixed her eyes upon the screen once more, staring and listening raptly at Ring of Fire. Draco had rolled his eyes and sat down to watch with her. OK, sure the guy could sing. Draco would give him that. But what else drove his wife to be so obsessed, so interested in him? _  
After the season had ended, he would never forget the rage that had overcome Hermione when Kris Allen won instead of Adam. He would also never forget the number of inappropriate words she had yelled at the TV. She had gone to sleep angry, muttering words in her sleep.  
The next day though she was relatively calm. "Gotten over it, love?" he had asked her. God, was that the wrong thing to do. Hermione turned around from what she was doing and proceeded to say calmly, " Kris Allen is a bloody fucking wanker." Draco had choked on the water he was drinking. Whoa, that was some strong language. And coming from his Hermione, who lectured on the obscenity of swear words, it was extremely strange.

And then when his CD came out, oh God. She was a ball of energy. She couldn't stand still. She spent 2 days listening to that freakin' CD over and over. Draco would never EVER be able to listen to Strut again. He was freakin' sick of it. Bloody hell, it was ANNOYING. Adam this, Adam that. And because of her new found affection for Adam Lambert, Draco was left abandoned. No more kisses, No more touching. He was ALONE. So, naturally he went to Blaise.

* * *

The dark haired Italian held in his laughter. Draco was fuming over an American muggle Rock Star. This was hilarious. But Blaise, being the wonderfully caring best friend he was, decided to give Draco some advice.

"Draco, first things first, you know this man's gay right?" Draco's eyes widened at the statement. He sat back and ran his hand through his blond hair.

"Bloody hell, my wife's in love with a gay guy? But that's irrational! He can't even like her back."  
Blaise chuckled inwardly at Draco's stupid moment. Did he really think Hermione was in love this guy? As if. It was obviously just one of those silly fan girl things. I could have some fun with this,though, thought Blaise. Oh, this would be good. Very good.

"Draco, the solution is simple." Blaise drawled, lazily draping his hand over the arm of the chair he was sitting in. "Hermione idolizes this guy. It's obvious. You've got to become Adam Lambert." Draco leaned forward in his chair.

"Blaise," he stated in a voice that one would use to talk to a small child. "I can't become Adam Lambert. 1) He's his own person, 2) He's gay, 3) He's got a voice that I couldn't even have in my dreams, and 3) He's American. I'm British, straight, MY own person and have a HORRIBLE voice."

"Oh, Draco you're right. But you can certainly make yourself LOOK like him."

* * *

He looked like Elvis, David Bowie, and a spaceship mixed together. Bloody fucking hell.  
The reflection in the mirror was appalling. His blond hair? Gone. Replaced by wash out pitch black hair dye. His impeccable simple style? Gone. Replaced by a black suit with spikes at the shoulder. His eyes were rimmed with black eyeliner and on his eyelids was a truck load of grey eyeshadow. He looked like a bloody raccoon. With black nail polish on his nails. Wonderful.  
God, if he didn't love this woman, he wouldn't be sacrificing his pride and dignity for her.  
He exited the bathroom uncomfortably, wondering how any man could ever stand pants this tight. He followed the sound of music.

" You run away from everything that you fear,  
So afraid, you don't wanna be a part of it.  
You see the fake in everything that is real.  
You hate the Paradox, You put us in a box." Draco burst into her room just as she was twirling around and caught her in his arms. He prepared his voice a bit higher. "Hello." he said. And she burst out laughing.

* * *

"Oh, Draco. I still can't believe you did that for me." Hermione giggled and kept dabbing at Draco's eyeliner with makeup remover. Draco scowled.  
"It's just so funny!" She burst out, laughing once more. Draco looked down. Today was NOT a good day. His ego had been bruised, he had worn pants that were sure to have injured him in an important place, and after all the freaking effort he had made, his wife was laughing at him. Hermione looked down at him and the grin faded from her face. She cupped his cheek with her hand and pulled his face up to look at her.  
"Draco Abraxus Malfoy. I love you so much and would never, ever, in a million dreams give you up for ANYONE. Not even Adam Lambert." Draco looked in her eyes and smiled, a real honest to goodness smile.  
"Really?" he asked.  
"Really." She replied firmly.  
"Good. Now, how do I get this damn hair dye out?"

* * *

**The Daily Prophet**

Blaise Zabini, Dissapeared and Found- Rita Skeeter

Blaise Zabini, italian wizard and CEO of Zabini Enterprises, went missing two days ago. The Ministry couldn't find him anywhere. Just recently though he was found in Muggle New York, up in a tree in Central Park.  
"How did you get here Blaise?" I asked, genuinely curious at the cause of this unusual event.  
"Bloody hell, Draco!" he had yelled crazily from the tree. He is now being held at the Ministry's asylum for questioning and mental examination.  
From Rita Skeeter, It's me, myself and I!

Draco burst out laughing. Serves him right, he thought.  
"Honey." Hermione's voice came from the pantry. "What are you laughing at?" Draco folded up the paper and grinned.  
"Nothing, love."

**A/N: You see that little button down there? You know, that one that says review this story. yeah that one. Press it! Reviews make me happy and help me to write more stories that (hopefully) make you laugh.**


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